The Gambler and Steak Dinner

I took myself out to eat at Texas Roadhouse tonight. When I first drove through the parking lot after work it was packed, so I drove home; changed clothes and drove back. Waste of gas yes, but I found a spot and got right in.

I used to dread going places alone, especially going to restaurants. Nicer ones like that is still a little unnerving, but it’s okay once I order.

Just as I was leaving, The Gambler came on. It was Grandma Eva’s song.  I wish we had something with her handwriting somewhere that said “Love Grandma” but all we have is Eva Eden.  I will,  mark my words, when I get under 200 pounds I will get some of the lyrics to that song tattooed on me. I think it’ll be on my right ribcage, as I want quite a bit of them…  I know I want at least the first  but maybe the second set..  I’d love to get “Love Grandma” under it, but I might find her signature “Eva Eden” and put it under it…  I just have got to have her with me.  And I hate that none of us have a card anywhere with her signature on it, anywhere.

You got to know when to hold ’em,
Know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away,
And know when to run.
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealing’s done.

Every gambler knows
That the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away
And knowin’ what to keep.
‘Cause every hand’s a winner,
And every hand’s a loser,
And the best that you can hope for
Is to die in your sleep.

Now that’s some motivation to lose some weight; because I really want it.  BAD.  Off to bed, I have a book to dive into and sleep that needs had.

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The Gambler and Steak Dinner

And some days you just cry at your desk

I hate this time of year, the holidays are approaching and I’ve never been a fan. My birthday is coming up – and its often forgotten and blended in. I just wish we could fast forward.

It’s evaluation time at work. I suck at making goals. For the last three years I’ve had about the same thing; my boss asked me to try and come up with something different. And we have to report on the progress of last years.

5 goals – which I cannot go into but here is the response to them…

  1. I think she’s doing well, but I’m not confident I’m a good teacher, she picks up quickly
  2. I have not done any of these
  3. Dating the form when I sent to LM’s office is working well, the conference spreadsheet worked well, but travel as a whole continues to be a struggle
  4. This is not working in my favor, on #4 since January ’17  [goal:0]
  5. I have only done 1; not a great turn out with these [goal 20-25]

All in all; I have pretty much failed at all of them. Wow depressing.

As I typed this out to my boss, I was tearing up. I know the work I do is good work, I know I am a hard worker, I know we have had almost double the work lately, I know I am busy. Sometimes  A lot of the time I feel like I cannot get ahead of things, or caught up. Do I stay later than I am? Do I come in and work on a Saturday or Sunday?

I need help. I thought my new coworker [who has been here for a year and a half] was going to help in the purchasing front; but isn’t. I went from having help with it, to none. Our purchasing has basically doubled.  On top of more duties piled on to me.

I am by no means whining. I just need to vent. I can do hard things. I just need to figure out how to prioritize some things; and with that I’m mostly lost.

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And some days you just cry at your desk

Unwanted.

I wasn’t going to write about it here because this is public and potentially anyone can stumble upon it; but I’m going to.  Apparently my oldest brother, Tony is in town.  He and his family are overseas [he is in the Air Force] so him coming to town is kind of a big deal.  My stepmom posted a photo of all my brothers at the bar; “all of her boys” and straight up; it fucking hurts.  A LOT.

It takes 10 seconds to send a text message to invite me to come hang out. But apparently since I live 20 miles away I can’t be invited? I know I am totally the black sheep of the family, and no one wants to hang out with me, the kid no one wants to hang out with.  This doesn’t make me feel any more wanted.  If you don’t want me in your life, then don’t call me your daughter  or sister, don’t keep me as your “friend” on Facebook.  Don’t “use” me for a DD.

I’m so sick of constantly making excuses and defending them; let’s just be honest and call it what it is, unwanted.  Make a girl feel loved!

Sometimes I wish I had the balls to move away.  I wish I didn’t love my job, and my condo.  I don’t have the money to pick up and pay deposit elsewhere, and all the new starting over costs!

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Unwanted.

All in the course of a month; the weather went from still hot enough to have the air conditioning on, to cool enough to have the windows open without being miserable, to cold enough to kick the heat on for a bit.  Welcome to Iowa, if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes!

There was frost this morning and it’s raining now, but the temperature is hovering around 40; today I’m thankful for the garage!  It could be a bit dicey in the morning, but this rain is supposed to be done by midnight.

Speaking of my garage, I didn’t get it cleaned out like I had planned, but I’m sure there will be a few more unseasonably warm days coming up.  So I’ll tackle it then, or maybe not til the Spring.  It’s not a dire need to clean it out.

This weekend has actually been fairly productive. I finished one book and read another one. Goodreads does a Reading Challenge every year; I set mine at 50 originally and have since changed it to 70; but I’m already at 65, I’m certain I will read at least 10 more before the end of the year. I think 80 might be a better goal.

I made Scentsy samples for the Trick or Treat trail before the in town Trick or Treating on Tuesday; got those labeled and bagged.  I’ve got all my laundry done, but as usual, it’s folded all over the floor. But folded is better than in the basket!  I made another batch of Chili so I should be good to go for a week or so; I don’t make a huge batch.

I was asked at the beginning of the month by my Scentsy mentor to make a video and share what I’m going that’s yielding me the results I’m having. Video terrifies me. But I said I’d do it, and I had 4 weekends to do it, and waited til the last one to do it. I think once I get going I’m fine, it’s just starting it.

I think my sour mood from last week is gone! I had a bit of a pity party for one last night, but all is well.  Yes, I’m the one who did the breaking up, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. Yes, it’s what I wanted because I wasn’t getting out of it what I thought I deserved, but it still kinda sucks, single. Especially around the holidays.

I haven’t had a nap all weekend, proud of myself for that. I was in bed by 9:30 on Friday and 11 last night. Of course I read for a while first, but I think my body is finally getting used to sleeping well. I was up at 7:30 and 8 this weekend.  It’s amazing just what a regular sleep schedule is like, with good sleep!

I suppose, off to start a new book and begin the busy week.

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Just a Fall Tuesday in Iowa

It’s been a day; better, but a day.  Work is getting to me. I posted on Facebook today something smart aleck-y about wanting to buy patience, and a few days ago.

My foot is feeling better, movement wise, but there’s some numbness that has me a little concerned; but I’ll keep an eye on it. There’s not much bruising, so it’s definitely a different sprain.

Another crazy night after work. I came home and warmed up some leftover chili. I rarely eat leftovers, but chili, is one of the few things. I had to meet up with someone to deliver some Scentsy for a Fundraiser. I had a bag of things I needed to return to the outlet mall about 25 miles away, so happened to have it all in the car and just decided to go do that. I got in about an hour ago and I’m ready to crawl in bed.

I’m admitting it, it’s a bit chilly in my condo tonight. Yes, three weeks ago I was griping about my air conditioner not working and it taking a week for the landlord to get them out here to fix it but now I’m thinking heat sounds great.  I’m very stingy with my heat but I sleep much better when I’m colder, under the blankets. My office is the coldest room in the house – as it’s the one on the corner. I know the window is a bit drafty, but I’m not certain I want to do the plastic + blow dryer window treatment, but ask me in a few months.

I even parked the car in the garage, so I don’t have to scrape frost off my windows in the morning.   My garage needs to be gone through and have shit pitched, and organized. Great idea to think of this now, when it’s going to get cold… I should have thought of this like a month ago!  It doesn’t look like the weekend is going to be much warmer, but we’ll see.

I have a bed and a book calling me. And I’m ignoring the dishes in the dishwasher or the laundry that needs done. I’ll tackle that Thursday. I have a class tomorrow, and ironically it’s about money and budgeting, which is hard to talk about and honestly just FACE because it’s kind of embarrassing, but I enjoy going, even though it’s in a church and there’s some churchy stuff entwined in the lessons.

I’m trying to write more, one because I miss it. Partially because I want things to be documented; even things that aren’t in the “highlight reel” that is social media.  It feels amazing to do it just before bed….

All that to say, hasta pasta!

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Just a Fall Tuesday in Iowa

I get so emotional…

Today has been one helluva day.  I grew some balls to text Adam and flat out ask what is going on. He’s been a bit distant; and by a bit, I mean a lot.  I was convinced I was breaking up with him… but his reply  has me thinking he might want to work on it.

At lunch I had a small to-go box in my hand with some casserole and walked over to the cooler to grab a Pepsi, and my right ankle gave out and I fell. Luckily I didn’t spill any casserole on me, but everyone in the cafeteria was wide-eyed. Ironically no one asked me if I needed help, they just gawked.  I got up and limped off to a somewhat private place.   I sent Adam the text this afternoon.

I’m home to put my foot up and ice it; obviously it’s sprained. My toes are feeling numb/tingly/weird; this isn’t usual. But I won’t go to the doctor because honestly I don’t want to wast the money on an X-ray. If it’s still bugging me in a few days, then I might think about it.    It hasn’t bruised or anything, just swollen – even in my toes.

I’m currently watching The Good Doctor; which is an amazing show. I’m going to crawl in bed after, and likely read for a bit then crash. I really should take something for my ankle.

I have cried looking over a Scentsy friend’s family photos that include her husband in his Army gear, he’s deploying to Iraq or Afghanistan. I cried because something popped up on YouTube, and I cried over something silly on TV.

Even though I don’t get my  monthly visitor thanks to my 5-year birth control, but I swear that business would be happening now because I’m straight up #HotMessJess which is unlike me.

I grabbed some chips and salsa after work, had some of that, then some grapes, and then a ham sandwich – like on a tea bun thingy. Now I’m contemplating having some chili at 930 at night. I rarely eat this late, ever. But I’m going to say it; I’m cold. It probably has a lot to do with the ice on my foot.

I feel like I’m a crazy mess.

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I get so emotional…

And end, and a beginning?

The saying “All good things must come to an end.” To that, I question, was it really a good thing? Or was it just something to suffice us both for the time being?

I wrote a private post a while back and I’m still not sure if I want to share it publicly, yet; but I’m fairly certain that this week I’m calling it quits with Adam.

From the get go I told him that his daughter was the first priority, and I would never get in the way of that, ever. And I still do not want to, but I do want to be something of a priority, or maybe just a thought every once in a while.  I went to Chicago and back, for just two days, before he even texted me. I let him know I was there safe, nothing. I got a text as I was pulling into town, the town I live in.

He didn’t come down a few weeks back [it’s probably been closer to a month] because he was watching the Chiefs game, and I didn’t have cable, the antenna didn’t get the station it was on.

This weekend I finally mentioned it to the family that it was time for him to ‘shit or get off the pot’.  I talked it over a bit with a friend, and it helped me come to peace with it all, I suppose.

I basically don’t need to be his #1 priority, but I need to be something…  I’m not a flowers or chocolates kind of girl, I don’t need that, but a little attention would be nice.

I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up with him because we’ve shared maybe a total of 10 [it’s 12 I counted] texts between us since Friday; but I think it’s ran it’s course.

It’s been a couple of really hard years, with loosing grandparents, and the chaos that is work. Since loosing Grandpa Marty in March I’ve become more of a homebody. As cliche as it sounds, I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out me.  I’m putting effort to into friends who reciprocate it. If I haven’t heard from you in months, don’t expect me to go out of my way to reach out.

I’ve taken some time to figure out budgeting, and making a financial plan for my life [this isn’t easy!] Hell I even signed up for the Ramsey class that is somewhat church based and held at a damn church.   images

I am seriously attempting to live like no one else – in that I’ve got no social life, and I’m trying to be smart with money so when I’m older I can live like no one else.

This is hard, all of it. I don’t do change very well, but for some reason I’m pretty at peace with my decision, and I’m actually a little proud that I’m standing up for myself. He has not hurt me in any way, I’m merely standing up for me in that I want more from a relationship, I deserve more, and I’m not just going to keep doing this because it’s easy.

I’ve done the single thing, for years. I’m really quite good at it. Sometimes you have to pick you. Be selfish, even if it sucks. I’m picking me. I’m hoping to be a better me. Not just with a relationship, but with money, eventually with health [look, we know this is where I struggle as I’m writing this just before lunch], with my family, with friends, in all aspects of my life.

Change is hard, but hard things are worth it. I can do hard things.

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And end, and a beginning?