Struggles

Sometimes I wish this blog wasn’t public and that I didn’t share it with anyone I know. That those who found it, found it on their own.  I just wrote a post, but kept it private, sometimes you just need to get thoughts from your head on the screen and hit save and be done.

I’m feeling stuck with a lot of things, life, relationships, my Scentsy business… and unsure of where to turn.

I’m on a big kick to budget, live the Dave Ramsey way until I get it a bit safer place financially.

I want to eat healthier, but making meals for one is a huge struggle, and making healthy meals, even bigger struggle. Thankfully I like boring cereal and snack on fruit, but sometimes a girl needs some carbs.

I’m stuck in that I finished a book like last weekend, and have yet to start another, book hangover.  My cable won’t be installed until Tuesday and no plans this weekend, and all of my shows I can watch via a streaming method I have, but there are more, and frankly DirecTVNow kinda sucks.

I had a really crappy lunch that I didn’t eat much off, went and grabbed some groceries and had what I would consider a heavy snack, and now its almost 8pm and I want some dinner. I’m not one to eat this late, but some goulash with bread and butter sounds amazing.  Side note; my grandma made the best goulash and she’d make some just for us kids that was ground beef, elbow macaroni, tomato juice and a pinch of sugar to cut the tomato taste. That’s it, and to this day, I still make it that way, no seasonings, no chunks of anything else. It reminds me of Grandma Eva and when I’m in a funk, food is my happy place.

Sometime earlier this year I finally joined the public library in town so I have been really trying to read ebooks from there, or books on Kindle Unlimited; but tonight I treated myself to 3 books, only spending $8.50.

Okay, off to make some supper; hoping my attitude changes around.

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Struggles

AMM – Stuck, now what?

Tuesday [10/3] marked two years of “whatever this is” between Adam and I. I still don’t know what to call it. When he isn’t around I just say he’s my boyfriend, but I’m not sure that to him, I am his girlfriend.

We are not Facebook friends, I’ve not met any of his family aside from his daughter. He’s met mine, a handful of times.

When he moved back to his Mom’s place to save some money; he’s been pretty distant, and we see each other less. I’ve told him time and time again, that he should just stay with me on the nights he doesn’t have Livi and save on gas. Finally he told me a week or so ago that he gets really bad anxiety when driving on 380.  And basically hates coming down to see me because of it.  He moved 50 from work; and 75 miles from me.

This week I’ve heard from him less than 5 times; and it’s Saturday.  Today he made a comment about repacking. I know he mentioned moving; but I was shocked as to where (but closer to work now only 30 miles away)  Only 40 miles away from me.

I told Shawn maybe in May when she was home or maybe it was in March when I was in Nashville that we had yet to say “I love you” and honestly, now I’m just like eh.

I always was the girl who went all in, if I thought a guy liked me, man I had it all planned out. Adam has been adamant he does not want to get married again. He has mentioned wanting another kid, but he wants to “wait a year” of being on his own before we even thought of moving in together. Yes, because your daughter has no clue who I am???  What!?

I want to be a priority. Maybe a “hey did you make it to Chicago fine” or when I texted him I made it a text back; but I didn’t hear from him for nearly 48 hours when I was about 20 miles from home.   He sent a text last night, and I didn’t reply til late this morning, and I’ve been pretty short in the few texts he’s sent today.  I guess my way of giving him what he does to me.   I’m just feeling hurt, unneeded, like I’m just there when it works out for him.

Two weeks ago, he didn’t have his daughter, and he said he’d come down on Sunday. And about 5pm he told me he was “sucked into the game” again, not a priority. Football over me. Part of the reason I got cable back is so I could get the damn stations that have fucking football on it, so just maybe maybe he’d come see me like once every 3 months.

He came down the last weekend in August to see me, and I haven’t seen him since. Am I wrong to wish I could see him more often? Do I just need to grow a pair and tell him I’m done. Do I see long term with him? If it’s a struggle now, is it worth it going forward?

I’m going to be 35 in a month and a half. I’m way overweight, I’m not very attractive, but I think I have a pretty decent personality and an okay sense of humor, and most of all a big heart.  Do I want to get married? I think every girl kinda sorta wants to. Do I want to have kiddos, it’s a toss up. I’d love to be pregnant and experience labor and nursing and all that, it’s a lot of work, returned in unconditional love. But I’m almost 35. Getting pregnant even now, puts me at “advanced maternal age” aka high risk.   Do I want to date, ugh that sounds horrible, but the thought of dating, eww.

I’m posting this privately for now, maybe in time it’ll go public.

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AMM – Stuck, now what?