I get so emotional…

Today has been one helluva day.  I grew some balls to text Adam and flat out ask what is going on. He’s been a bit distant; and by a bit, I mean a lot.  I was convinced I was breaking up with him… but his reply  has me thinking he might want to work on it.

At lunch I had a small to-go box in my hand with some casserole and walked over to the cooler to grab a Pepsi, and my right ankle gave out and I fell. Luckily I didn’t spill any casserole on me, but everyone in the cafeteria was wide-eyed. Ironically no one asked me if I needed help, they just gawked.  I got up and limped off to a somewhat private place.   I sent Adam the text this afternoon.

I’m home to put my foot up and ice it; obviously it’s sprained. My toes are feeling numb/tingly/weird; this isn’t usual. But I won’t go to the doctor because honestly I don’t want to wast the money on an X-ray. If it’s still bugging me in a few days, then I might think about it.    It hasn’t bruised or anything, just swollen – even in my toes.

I’m currently watching The Good Doctor; which is an amazing show. I’m going to crawl in bed after, and likely read for a bit then crash. I really should take something for my ankle.

I have cried looking over a Scentsy friend’s family photos that include her husband in his Army gear, he’s deploying to Iraq or Afghanistan. I cried because something popped up on YouTube, and I cried over something silly on TV.

Even though I don’t get my  monthly visitor thanks to my 5-year birth control, but I swear that business would be happening now because I’m straight up #HotMessJess which is unlike me.

I grabbed some chips and salsa after work, had some of that, then some grapes, and then a ham sandwich – like on a tea bun thingy. Now I’m contemplating having some chili at 930 at night. I rarely eat this late, ever. But I’m going to say it; I’m cold. It probably has a lot to do with the ice on my foot.

I feel like I’m a crazy mess.

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I get so emotional…

And end, and a beginning?

The saying “All good things must come to an end.” To that, I question, was it really a good thing? Or was it just something to suffice us both for the time being?

I wrote a private post a while back and I’m still not sure if I want to share it publicly, yet; but I’m fairly certain that this week I’m calling it quits with Adam.

From the get go I told him that his daughter was the first priority, and I would never get in the way of that, ever. And I still do not want to, but I do want to be something of a priority, or maybe just a thought every once in a while.  I went to Chicago and back, for just two days, before he even texted me. I let him know I was there safe, nothing. I got a text as I was pulling into town, the town I live in.

He didn’t come down a few weeks back [it’s probably been closer to a month] because he was watching the Chiefs game, and I didn’t have cable, the antenna didn’t get the station it was on.

This weekend I finally mentioned it to the family that it was time for him to ‘shit or get off the pot’.  I talked it over a bit with a friend, and it helped me come to peace with it all, I suppose.

I basically don’t need to be his #1 priority, but I need to be something…  I’m not a flowers or chocolates kind of girl, I don’t need that, but a little attention would be nice.

I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up with him because we’ve shared maybe a total of 10 [it’s 12 I counted] texts between us since Friday; but I think it’s ran it’s course.

It’s been a couple of really hard years, with loosing grandparents, and the chaos that is work. Since loosing Grandpa Marty in March I’ve become more of a homebody. As cliche as it sounds, I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out me.  I’m putting effort to into friends who reciprocate it. If I haven’t heard from you in months, don’t expect me to go out of my way to reach out.

I’ve taken some time to figure out budgeting, and making a financial plan for my life [this isn’t easy!] Hell I even signed up for the Ramsey class that is somewhat church based and held at a damn church.   images

I am seriously attempting to live like no one else – in that I’ve got no social life, and I’m trying to be smart with money so when I’m older I can live like no one else.

This is hard, all of it. I don’t do change very well, but for some reason I’m pretty at peace with my decision, and I’m actually a little proud that I’m standing up for myself. He has not hurt me in any way, I’m merely standing up for me in that I want more from a relationship, I deserve more, and I’m not just going to keep doing this because it’s easy.

I’ve done the single thing, for years. I’m really quite good at it. Sometimes you have to pick you. Be selfish, even if it sucks. I’m picking me. I’m hoping to be a better me. Not just with a relationship, but with money, eventually with health [look, we know this is where I struggle as I’m writing this just before lunch], with my family, with friends, in all aspects of my life.

Change is hard, but hard things are worth it. I can do hard things.

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And end, and a beginning?

Lazy weekend

This weekend has been incredibly lazy.

I noticed last Sunday [the 8th] that my air conditioning wasn’t working, so I emailed my landlord, she said she’d get them out to look at it, and of course, nothing all week. It’s been about 76 in my condo the whole week. MISERABLE! I emailed her again Friday after a few unanswered voice mails; and she said they’d be here Friday or Monday. They weren’t here Friday, so hopefully Monday. Saturday night into today it really cooled down and I had left my balcony sliding door open and it FINALLY cooled down to mid-60’s in here.

I’ve not left my condo this whole weekend, I have only read and slept. Three books done, and I’m about to start a 4th.

I didn’t get the memo from my family that my brother was running his half marathon today otherwise I would have gone to cheer him on. Of course by the time I saw the stuff on Facebook it was too late. This is typical of my family though.

The funds are a bit tight for the remainder of the month; so staying in and reading, doing nothing is kind of what it looks like the rest of the month will look like.   And maybe I’ll get around to reorganizing and cleaning out the kitchen cupboards that I’ve been needing to do. I just haven’t had the willpower to do so.

I really want some chocolate chip cookies, but my tried and true recipe [the one on the back of the Nestle Chocolate Chips] is too much for  just met, and for some reason everything I do they come out flat. I found a recipe on Pinterest that claims to be ‘fluffier’ and is a half recipe, so I might try that; it looks similar.   I need to find some new to me recipes or eat some crap from my cupboards so I’m 1) cleaning them out and 2) not blowing anymore money.

I really just need to do some meal planning and somewhat stick to it. I don’t do leftovers, cooking for one sucks.

In other rambly news; I’m back on Facebook, but I kept the notifications turned off on the phone and iPad. It’s kind of nice. I feel like I was a bit of a slave to them. I’d see a red number and feel like I had to check it right now.

I really need to get my cast iron skillet seasoned [although it says it comes seasoned] and start using it.  This post is all over the place, I think I’ll go park it in the recliner and read.

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Lazy weekend

I did it!

I’ve had this DNA thing since March. For 7 months it has been on my desk. I read all of the paperwork, and signed the consent the first day I got it, then it just sat there.

Many asked why I hadn’t done it, and to be honest, I’m scared.

I do not know my biological parents, I do not know my medical history other than mine that has happened in the last almost 35 years. I know that spiting in this little vial could give me answers.

Do I want to know what “could” happen, do I want to know that I have a predisposition to get x, y, or z? I was scared.  What if I really do somehow connect with my blood relatives? Then what?

Shawn and I actually just talked about this last week.

What it took is that I heard national radio personality; Bobby Bones, talk about getting it and doing it.  As weird as it seems, if he could do it, I could. It’s up to me what I do with the answers that come, me. Just me.  Will I tell anyone when I get them? If anything I’ll share the results with my medical team.

I’m scared, yes. But I’m almost 35 and I need to start taking care of me; in all aspects, so I did it, and now we wait.  All because of spit in a vial. Classy.

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As soon as I hit publish on this, I’m walking it down to the outgoing mail box, and it’s out of my hands; in all senses of the world.

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I did it!

Cable

I once broke up with cable; at the end of July. I thought I’d save a whole bunch of money and everything but it didn’t. I caved and I’m getting it reinstalled today.

I got a nice antenna; but it didn’t get NBC, only ABC, not even CBS. I couldn’t watch Ellen – which is something I love, a lot. I couldn’t access shows for at least a week. I signed up for DirecTV Now and got a free Roku if I paid for 2 months, and it worked a little, but not for what I wanted.

I decided that I’ve changed my car insurance, my car is paid off, and I’m basically skimping in a lot of other places, that cable is one thing I don’t want to skimp on. I’ve given up my life, so I might as well enjoy what I can at home… with shows DVR’d

I never realized how I use TV as a way to relax, from work, from the Scentsy gig, until I didn’t have it as I liked it / knew it / wanted it. I know many are completely content without, but that’s not me.

My FB break is going well, the last two days when I’ve gotten up for work  I didn’t check FB right away.  I still have my page active, and I have gotten on to scroll through and see some things, but not commenting / posting / liking. Not accepting messages in messenger, or friend requests. It’s quite refreshing. I never knew how addicted to it I was.

I’m sure that I’m missing out on sales in the Scentsy world but honestly, sometimes a girl just needs a break. It isn’t helping monetarily but rest is necessary.

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Cable

Struggles

Sometimes I wish this blog wasn’t public and that I didn’t share it with anyone I know. That those who found it, found it on their own.  I just wrote a post, but kept it private, sometimes you just need to get thoughts from your head on the screen and hit save and be done.

I’m feeling stuck with a lot of things, life, relationships, my Scentsy business… and unsure of where to turn.

I’m on a big kick to budget, live the Dave Ramsey way until I get it a bit safer place financially.

I want to eat healthier, but making meals for one is a huge struggle, and making healthy meals, even bigger struggle. Thankfully I like boring cereal and snack on fruit, but sometimes a girl needs some carbs.

I’m stuck in that I finished a book like last weekend, and have yet to start another, book hangover.  My cable won’t be installed until Tuesday and no plans this weekend, and all of my shows I can watch via a streaming method I have, but there are more, and frankly DirecTVNow kinda sucks.

I had a really crappy lunch that I didn’t eat much off, went and grabbed some groceries and had what I would consider a heavy snack, and now its almost 8pm and I want some dinner. I’m not one to eat this late, but some goulash with bread and butter sounds amazing.  Side note; my grandma made the best goulash and she’d make some just for us kids that was ground beef, elbow macaroni, tomato juice and a pinch of sugar to cut the tomato taste. That’s it, and to this day, I still make it that way, no seasonings, no chunks of anything else. It reminds me of Grandma Eva and when I’m in a funk, food is my happy place.

Sometime earlier this year I finally joined the public library in town so I have been really trying to read ebooks from there, or books on Kindle Unlimited; but tonight I treated myself to 3 books, only spending $8.50.

Okay, off to make some supper; hoping my attitude changes around.

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Struggles

AMM – Stuck, now what?

Tuesday [10/3] marked two years of “whatever this is” between Adam and I. I still don’t know what to call it. When he isn’t around I just say he’s my boyfriend, but I’m not sure that to him, I am his girlfriend.

We are not Facebook friends, I’ve not met any of his family aside from his daughter. He’s met mine, a handful of times.

When he moved back to his Mom’s place to save some money; he’s been pretty distant, and we see each other less. I’ve told him time and time again, that he should just stay with me on the nights he doesn’t have Livi and save on gas. Finally he told me a week or so ago that he gets really bad anxiety when driving on 380.  And basically hates coming down to see me because of it.  He moved 50 from work; and 75 miles from me.

This week I’ve heard from him less than 5 times; and it’s Saturday.  Today he made a comment about repacking. I know he mentioned moving; but I was shocked as to where (but closer to work now only 30 miles away)  Only 40 miles away from me.

I told Shawn maybe in May when she was home or maybe it was in March when I was in Nashville that we had yet to say “I love you” and honestly, now I’m just like eh.

I always was the girl who went all in, if I thought a guy liked me, man I had it all planned out. Adam has been adamant he does not want to get married again. He has mentioned wanting another kid, but he wants to “wait a year” of being on his own before we even thought of moving in together. Yes, because your daughter has no clue who I am???  What!?

I want to be a priority. Maybe a “hey did you make it to Chicago fine” or when I texted him I made it a text back; but I didn’t hear from him for nearly 48 hours when I was about 20 miles from home.   He sent a text last night, and I didn’t reply til late this morning, and I’ve been pretty short in the few texts he’s sent today.  I guess my way of giving him what he does to me.   I’m just feeling hurt, unneeded, like I’m just there when it works out for him.

Two weeks ago, he didn’t have his daughter, and he said he’d come down on Sunday. And about 5pm he told me he was “sucked into the game” again, not a priority. Football over me. Part of the reason I got cable back is so I could get the damn stations that have fucking football on it, so just maybe maybe he’d come see me like once every 3 months.

He came down the last weekend in August to see me, and I haven’t seen him since. Am I wrong to wish I could see him more often? Do I just need to grow a pair and tell him I’m done. Do I see long term with him? If it’s a struggle now, is it worth it going forward?

I’m going to be 35 in a month and a half. I’m way overweight, I’m not very attractive, but I think I have a pretty decent personality and an okay sense of humor, and most of all a big heart.  Do I want to get married? I think every girl kinda sorta wants to. Do I want to have kiddos, it’s a toss up. I’d love to be pregnant and experience labor and nursing and all that, it’s a lot of work, returned in unconditional love. But I’m almost 35. Getting pregnant even now, puts me at “advanced maternal age” aka high risk.   Do I want to date, ugh that sounds horrible, but the thought of dating, eww.

I’m posting this privately for now, maybe in time it’ll go public.

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AMM – Stuck, now what?